This is our story of pregnancy loss as a result of Covid. I wanted to share our story not necessarily because I want to share my story with anyone in particular but because I want to write down what’s spinning around in my head. This was the hardest thing I have ever written and I have had to leave it a number of times as I was fighting back the tears.
Sadly we lost our baby girl Hope at 23 weeks gestation on the 2nd of October 2020. I had a pretty normal pregnancy with Hope; the usual sickness, exhaustion, heartburn every now and then and mild cramping. At 17 and a half weeks we had a private gender scan and found out we we’re having a little baby girl. I was convinced I was having a boy the whole pregnancy but the news we we’re having a girl made me and my partner the happiest people in the world. They didn’t share anything worrying at this scan and from this day we went about our normal life waiting for our 20 week scan. We had a virtual gender reveal party with our close family and shared the news with all our wider family and friends via text. We were so pleased, I was so proud and honestly I felt that my life at that point couldn’t get any better! I was the happiest I have ever been.
Unfortunately, at around 19 and a half weeks pregnant I contracted Covid 19 while working for the local authority. I was worried about going in given the unknown of what Covid can do to you when your pregnant or the unknowns about the harm it can cause to you baby. However, I got told by numerous health professionals that covid wouldn’t do any harm to our baby and so I worked in the office with the public against my better judgement. Of course, there was a risk assessment completed, though in my opinion it didn’t really matter as if someone had it in the building I was working I would likely catch it given pregnant woman have a lower immune system. I later found out that people with Covid were actively coming in to my office to get tested for Covid as they thought it was a testing facility so I was bound to catch it at some point but that’s another story.
Back to the dreaded Covid, I was so ill! I mean shattered, I had a cough, I had a temperature one minute, shivering the next and eventually I went on to loose my sense of smell . I had every symptom going.
As I had tested positive for having Covid, I was unable to have my 20 week scan which was scheduled a few days before my isolation period was due to end. Although I was sick with worry, I agreed to re arranged it for a week later knowing I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I passed this awful virus on to someone else. Although it was still relatively early in my pregnancy, Hope had been moving regularly for nearly 2 weeks in the morning at around 11:00 and at around 16:00 of an evening.
However, before the re-arranged scan date arrived I’d not felt Hope move for a whole day and couldn’t recall her moving the night before either. I was absolutely petrified, I just knew something wasn’t okay and knew it was because of Covid. Panic really did set in at this stage. I rang the early pregnancy unit and explained my concerns. I was told at this point that Hope wouldn’t have regular movements but every instinct in me was telling me something was wrong. I felt so frustrated and just wanted to be seen by someone. Eventually, they agreed for me to attend the hospital to get a scan and I was so so relieved! I had a quick shower (in anti bacterial soap so there was less chance of me passing it on) and got ready. Just as I was leaving the house I got a call from the EPU to say that I couldn’t attend the hospital as I had tested positive for Covid. I was frustrated to say the least given they were aware of my Covid diagnosis when I’d earlier spoken to them. I had read so many times to always speak to a health professional if you are worried about restricted movements and I felt because I had Covid I wasn’t getting the treatment I needed. I was crying my eyes out at this point and eventually the midwife agreed to speak to her manager and express my concerns. Eventually it was agreed that a midwife would come and see me at home and use a Doppler to see if everything was okay. Looking back, I wish so much I’d have challenged this decision made as if Id have been scanned that day things could have been very different and I regret this deeply.
Later that evening, the midwife arrived and she was lovely. I felt so sorry for her having to come to my house when I had Covid and just before she arrived we opened all the windows, sprayed EVERYWHERE with antibacterial spray and cleaned all the surfaces. I lay on the couch in the front room and she used the Doppler on my stomach and sure enough strait away we heard Hope’s heartbeat. Wow I was so relieved in that moment and remember thinking this the best sound in the world. The midwife explained that I may not feel her moving which I felt was strange given she’d been se regular but I went with it. For a split second, all my worries drifted away and I could see my partner looking over at me his face filled with relief.
After the midwife left we hugged, I cried with relief and then jumped up and down. We settled down to watch some TV but the panic again set in and for some reason I just didn’t feel right. Everything was running through my head and I had a really bad feeling something wasn’t right. At this stage, it hadn’t dawned on me that just because we heard the heartbeat didn’t mean everything was okay. Which is unusual for me as I’m an over thinker and evaluate everything in minor detail. It was only over the next few days that this started to play on my mind.
Thankfully the re-arranged scan was booked for the following Monday morning and so we only had about 4 days to wait and my isolation would be over by then!
FINALLY! The scan arrived. I was so worried, Hope hadn’t moved properly since that Wednesday and I just had an awful feeling that she wasn’t okay. I’d been so ill with Covid and was dreading to think what the illness had done to her. I had so many questions about what Covid could to do her but no one could answer and all I kept getting told was Covid can’t do anything to your baby she’s in her own bubble inside your body and won’t be effected. How WRONG those people were!
Due to the guidelines at the time as a result of covid, my partner was not allowed in to the scan with me and so he sat in the cafe with a coffee waiting. I went in to the room and lay down waiting to see my baby on that big screen on the wall. And there she was! My heart skipped a beat as it did every time I saw her. If you’ve never had a 20 week scan, you’ll know this is used to check the measurements of the baby and check that he or she is developing properly. Hope, wasn’t for letting the lady get the measurements and so she sent me off to get an orange juice and have a walk. This was to try and get Hope to move around a little more so she could get all the measurements she needed. Again, I just knew something was wrong and the fact that she couldn’t see what she wanted to see as Hope had reduced movements cemented my concerns even more.
I went to sit with my partner and tried to be optimistic but at the same time I couldn’t help but be worried. I spent the next half an hour jumping up and down, drinking a fresh orange juice And then said goodbye to Dan. I went back in to the scan room and she had another good look but Hope still wasn’t for moving much. She then put the scanner down and said ‘Alison…’ and it was in that moment I knew my whole world was about to be shattered.
The lady asked me if I’d like to be told strait what she was worried about to which I said that I would. I’ve never been one for sugar coating and I think she’d sussed this out from our prior conversations. She told me that Hope was measuring about 3 weeks behind and she was quite worried about her. She said that she would make an appointment with the consultant for me and my partner to attend after the scan appointment. My god, my head was spinning, I was crying and shaking and just didn’t know what to think. All I knew was I loved this tiny little baby that had been living inside me for 23 weeks now more than ever. The thought of loosing her literally tore me apart.
Dan was none the wiser to what he just happened as he was still in the cafe. We walked through and picked him up on route and he had absolutely no idea what was going on. The sonographer took us through to a room where we sat and I explained to Dan what had been said and even as I was telling him I couldn’t believe or understand what was going on. We waited, for what felt like an eternity, until the consultant came in. She came in eventually and explained that Hope had stopped growing as they would have liked and it wasn’t looking good. They explained that from that day we would be referred to the Foetal medical clinic at St Mary’s in Manchester but that the appointment was over a week away. I couldn’t believer we were being made to wait a while week but there was nothing we could do. During that week, I rang the foetal medical clinic a few times to see if they had a cancellation but there was no luck.
Half way through the longest week ever, I woke up on the Thursday and had some bloody tissue which looked a bit like jelly, I rang the EPU and explained what had happened. They invited me in and said I should attend strait away which of course I did. Again, Dan was unable to come in to the appointment, which by this stage was becoming increasingly frustrating. Just like before, Dan sat in the cafe and set up waiting on his own. I walked up to the ward and they sat me down in the waiting room. After a short wait and a urine sample I was taken in to a room where they would complete the scan to see what was going on. The lady came in and she was really nice but all I wanted was Dan I couldn’t believe I was faced with doing all this on my own again. I explained what had happened over the last few weeks and that morning and I was so overwhelmed with absolute terror at this point.
I lay down on the bed and got myself ready. Firstly, the midwife used a Doppler and tried for a number of minutes with no luck. She kept saying don’t worry it’s not unusual, but all I could think was how easy it was for them to find Hopes heartbeat last time. Honestly at this point I knew she wasn’t with us anymore. My heart was going so fast I felt it would beat out of my chest.
A few minutes later the consultant was asked to come in with a sonograph machine and started to scan my stomach. A minute or so later, she turned to me and said ‘I’m so sorry there’s no heartbeat’ but I’d like someone else to check as well. I honestly at this point couldn’t believe what was happening to me and without my partner there who was sitting in the cafe none the wiser. I felt absolutely awful and all I wanted was Dan to be there to comfort me but instead I had to go through it all on my own with strangers by my side. Not only had Covid taken my baby but all my support while going through the hardest time imaginable.
Another lady came in who did a further scan and confirmed the loss. That was it, I was shaking and crying and honestly I couldn’t sit still. I just wanted to get out of there and be with Dan. FINALLY, the midwife went and got Dan and brought him in to the room. I was tasked with having to tell him that we had lost our baby. I broke down and just told him that’s she’d gone and in that second my whole world was ripped apart! I have never felt emotional pain like it and had no idea what the next few days would entail or even the next few months. But I can tell you now they were filled with undesirable sadness I’ve never felt before and uncontainable grief. Never, when we started out our journey of getting pregnant did I think that we’d ever have to go through this or be in this position. I felt so naive.
We were told we had to go down to the delivery ward and at this point my head was absolutely spinning with what we were about to go through, how would everything work, would I need an operation, was this happening now and much more! I had no idea.
I’m a bit of a control freak when it comes to my life if I’m honest. I like to know what’s going on and love to have a plan. So this was torture for me! Not only was I experiencing the most emotionally distressing thing I had ever been trough but I was completely out of control. We got taken to a room which was actually quite comfortable and not what I expected it to be! The room had been funded by the charity Sands and it was made, in the nicest possible way, a little like a hotel room I suppose. We sat on the couch and waited. We waited for some time before the midwife came in and explained the consultant would come down to see us soon and explain what the next steps were. We would also speak to a bereavement midwife who would be my support for the next few weeks.
We first spoke to the Amanda, the bereavement midwife who was so lovely and I could tell she really cared about her job. We were immediately put at ease by Amanda. She explained all the options to us and answered the majority of our questions. We spoke about medical management, memory boxes, counselling the funeral and much, much more. Thinking about having to organise a funeral for our baby was the most heartbreaking and unbelievable thought I thing I’ve ever had. I couldn’t understand it and every time I thought about it I burst in to tears.
It suddenly dawned on me that we had to ring our parents to tell them what had happened. We first rang my mum and dad and then Dans mum and dad. I’ll be honest I can’t really remember what we said to them at this point. Obviously, we told them what had happened and my parents set off to come and look after our dog and meet with us and so they could be there for us when we got back from the hospital.
After we had discussed all the options we decided that I would have medical management which started with a small pill which I took that day. This would start off the labour and a further pessary pill would be given to me the day after to bring the birth on. With that, I had my bloods and we headed home. We were greeted by my parents and we all went in to the front room, I was so so glad to be home and in my own space to try and understand what had just happened to us. I couldn’t stop crying and when I say crying I mean whaling, the most heart wrenching cry I have ever done! It felt more real now and it wasn’t going to get any easier. I didn’t want to eat, I couldn’t face it. We watched all creatures great and small which will always remind me of this day now but it was the only thing I wanted to watch. Eventually, we went to bed and I packed my hospital bag for the day after. This was so hard, it didn’t have any of the exiting feelings that I thought packing my hospital bag would bring. We chose a blanket which my mum had bought us to take with us.
The 2nd of October arrived and a date I’ll never forget. We were told to attend the hospital at around 2pm and so arrived as arranged. We were taken into the same room and told to make ourselves comfy as we could be there for some time. I still didn’t know what to expect, I’d never given birth let alone to a baby who wasn’t with us anymore. I was scared and anxious and the unknown was killing me!
I was given the pessary not long after we arrived and around 16:00 I started to get really strong pains until eventually they were pretty consistent. At 6:16 our baby Hope was born sleeping. I asked the midwife to take her away immediately as I couldn’t stand to see her all floppy and dead. I wanted Hope to look content and I didn’t want a memory that would scar me forever. A few minutes later, they brought her back all wrapped up in the blanket we had chosen. She was dressed in a lovely little outfit that someone had donated to the unit who had lost their baby before. We made a memory box with all her bits in and were able to leave the blanket and a Teddy which we also had matching one. We took lots of photos of her in her Moses basket and was able to look at how perfect she was. I could see she had Dans nose and my really long legs, feet and toes. She was perfect to us!
At this point I felt so relieved in a really sad way. It wasn’t how I expected to feel but this was due to the amazing care and support from the staff in the rainbow unit who made the most horrific time our lives…that little bit easier. We were able to stay with her for as long as we wanted and stayed there till around 1 in the morning before coming home.
The following weeks were absolutely awful. I didn’t eat properly for days and I had this constant feeling of sickness in my stomach which I couldn’t shift. I obviously knew why it was there but there was absolutely nothing I could do to shift the feeling. You’re probably wondering what happened to Hope and why we lost her when my pregnancy was going so well. At this point, we had no idea and although I was convinced it was Covid but we wouldn’t be sure without tests. The midwifes commented on how unusual my placenta looked and so I was sure it was something to do with the placenta and probably Covid.
Fifteen weeks after I gave birth and what felt like an eternity, we got the results of the post-mortem back. This concluded that it was very likely to be as a result of COVID. But there were also elements of something called CHI in my placenta which complicated matters. CHI is short for chronic histiocytic intervillositis which is a very serious condition which has an 80%> chance of re-occurrence. I didn’t know what to think at this point but started looking at the link and low and behold there was a raft of research in which CHI was happening as a result of COVID. Unfortunately, as Covid is still so new health professionals are unable to say if CHI will re-occur in future pregnancies or if it was solely as a result of COVID and will not re-occur. This now means that I will have to take a lot of medication in future pregnancies and my prenatal care will have to be overseen by a CHI specialist. This is a scary thought and like I say like to be in control and this situation means I’m most certainly out of control. However, what I do know is I am in good hands at Stockport as they have been truly amazing from the day we found out Hope had died right through to planning how our next pregnancy will go. We have to move forward with hope that we will get our happy ending.
I want to say at this point that Dan along with my family, Dans family and our friends have been AMAZING throughout our loss. If I didn’t know before I certainly know now that he’s the one for me! Which is a good job as we’re getting married in 2022. Ive learnt to be more open and talk to people about our losses. I’m not ashamed or afraid to talk about Hope which really has helped us to move on. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my down days and a lot of them but I know that’s normal. Now I want to raise awareness for pregnant mums with Covid and what could happen, not in all pregnancies but some.
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HOPE 